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Thinking About Raising Children? The other day in a Ubyssey culture meeting, we were having one of those discussions about life, our purpose, the feeling that something’s missing, and the conversation turned to babies—well what else? Schoolwork getting you down? Relationship not working out the way you hoped? Graduating with the sudden realisation that you’re not really qualified to do anything? Maybe you need a baby. If only you could avoid that messy first part, by which I mean that bit with the placenta, and just ‘get’ a baby. This was far from being a consensus; some of us thought it would be nice to have a baby one day, some pulled a similar face to the one used in that discussion we had about small dogs (lovable companion or glorified rodent?). I personally have no intention of even contemplating birth for a good twenty years in the hopes that by then they will have invented some quick and easy pain-free anti-sagging alternative. But even if one could just acquire a baby (with no legal ramifications), surely that’s just the beginning? What about the sleepless nights, crying, endless diaper changing, crying, feeding, did I mention crying? Then I got this press release about an ingenious piece of software called The Baby Nanny. Talking with Kim Appelt, the software’s creator, the Baby Nanny is “a tool, someone with experience who can help you, like a traditional British nanny.” According to the website, you enter in the times when your baby tends to sleep and eat, when it’s fussy, or even the consistency and colour of his or her stool should you wish to get that far into it, though God only knows why you would; must be a hormonal effect. The software can then create a schedule for your baby, complete with pie charts. I don’t remember Mary Poppins offering that feature; a bottomless bag or spontaneous bursts of song about feeding the birds perhaps. It strikes me as concerning that we live in such a technologically dependent age that we can’t even care for our babies without the aid of a computer program, but according to the feedback, it works. Appelt explains how the routine provides parents with a sense of control, because you have conformed to the baby’s routine and so it is happier end ergo, cries less. For mothers overwhelmed with the prospect of a newborn and trying to create a routine through scribbled notes on scraps of paper, The Baby Nanny provides an easy and systematic way of entering your child’s data and producing a means of managing it. “A manual for your baby, by your baby,” as Appelt put it. It can even work like a baby book, with space to enter height and weight changes for as many years as you like, or even your baby’s ‘firsts’. “Perfect for the new generation of computer savvy parents,” says the press release. I’m guessing the market isn’t aimed at the single mother working two jobs and trying to raise two other very young kids. Despite my reservations, one interesting thing The Baby Nanny does is highlight just how difficult babies can be. Babies are so complicated in fact that we need software to help us decipher them, which shouldn’t be surprising as we won’t speak the same language for about 12 months. But it’s not like this nanny’s going to help you change a diaper. Babies are a nice idea, but as a student, next time I’m wondering what’s missing from my life, I might just buy a goldfish.
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